Reality
by dawdler
Summary: Taichi's life as he knew it is over when Chihaya and Arata started dating. Taichi's life over the years as he overcomes a heart break, it is a tale of love, friendship and betrayal. Slice of life. Primarily from Taichi's POV, sometimes also from Chihaya's POV. A Taichihaya pic
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:- I don't own Chihayafuru**

 **Note: To all Readers, This is a TaichixChihaya fic. Initially it looks like it doesn't and a bit sad, but eventually as the characters mature over the years, you will see for what it is, Taichihaya. Also this is canon compliant, update to date with happenings of the manga.**

"It is going to be amazing, ne Taichi" Chihaya is shaking with excitement beside him, as he is trying to do his extra assignment, which his Math teacher gave.

Taichi had been avoiding her, since his rejection last year, and she was okay with him keeping the distance until recently when Arata called her to tell that he will be moving to Tokyo immediately after graduation.

"Arata is finally going to be here with us" Chihaya spoke with dreamy eyes as she moved toward the opposite end of the classroom "We can play whenever we like"

"We can play Karuta together forever" Chihaya mumbled in a low voice more to herself than to him, Taichi could hear her from far due to his increased audio sensitivity thanks to suo-san.

"Forever" She repeated in a much lower volume, the way she voiced her thoughts made his blood boil. He turned towards her direction and he could see that her cheeks are flushed and she was lost in her own thoughts. Arata.

As the graduation is growing near, it seems that both her thoughts as well as her rambles always include Arata these days.

Taichi knew he should be happy, of course Arata is his friend too. But he couldn't though, the mere mention of his name brings only pain and frustration. And the feeling of bitterness only keeps on increasing as days go by.

Taichi closed his notebook with a thud, startling Chihaya.

"I am leaving" Taichi announced to himself.

"Wait" Chihaya shouted running into him "Let's go eat icecream before going home."

 _Classic Chihaya forgetting that she was thinking of something, but dived into different thing altogether._ It brought a smile to Taichi's face, but also unimaginable pain.

"Let's go" He forced a smile, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

He kept his distance during graduation, they only talked briefly to his relief. And finally Arata had moved to Tokyo.

They are about to meet him in his new apartment. Chihaya is bouncing up and down, unable to contain her excitement. For Taichi, it was the opposite. He knew that things had changed between the three, ever since he found out that Arata had declared his love to Chihaya.

Their relationship is never going to be the same between them anymore. Chihaya hugged Arata, Arata trying to contain his blush looked at him in the eyes.

Arata knew it as well. It is not the same anymore. Only Chihaya seems oblivious to it.

Arata and Taichi made some small chit chat, both of them keeping their poker faces. Every time, Chihaya touched Arata, he could see her cheeks redden.

Taichi couldn't contain his darker thoughts from popping out, the intense rage and jealousy clouded his mind the whole time.

Then Chihaya and Arata played Karuta while he read the cards.

He could see it though, the intensity and passion with which they played against each other. And the look of adoration and wonder in Chihaya's eyes whenever she met Arata's eyes. It is as if, the whole world didn't exist, only two of them and he felt like an outsider. Taichi felt breathless and he felt like a dark void which is encompassed by the light they both are emanating and void kept on shrinking till it is so insignificant.

He never felt more hopeless or helpless than he felt now. He felt so insignificant and tiny compared to both of them.

Their match ended, it was a close contest, Arata barely won by 2 cards difference. He could see the hunger and desire to play again.

But Arata, the bastard he is, suggested Chihaya and him play a match. Arata pitied him, he knew it.

When he faced her, he could see the downcast eyes of Chihaya which strangely made him feel guilty. But she recovered immediately by the time the match with determination to win.

But those eyes and atmosphere was not the same, Taichi could feel the difference. He is just a nobody to her, she was not even looking at him. He realised he had no chance in love or the game compared to Arata.

She is attacking with more intensity than he had ever seen, and he knew why. She wants to play with Arata as soon as she can. He is nothing more than an obstacle to her.

Taichi lost by 20 cards, his biggest defeat to her. Taichi knew he tried his best to stop her, in the end the match up was so lopsided. For the first in his life, Taichi felt numb, when he was in her presence. He couldn't feel anything anymore.

To Chihaya's utter disappointment, Arata announced he will play Taichi.

Taichi lost by 25 cards. He couldn't even take a single card from Arata.

Strangely, it was Chihaya who said "What happened Taichi, are you not feeling well?" Chihaya looked concerned.

He took that as an excuse and told that he has a headache and left. Only when he came out of the room, could Taichi breath again, he could feel his pain, rage and frustration. He hated himself.

He didn't know how to contain those emotions, and can't stop mind wandering to their match and the way they behave around each other.

Ever since childhood, Taichi was taught that miracles don't exist and the only way to get what you want is to work towards it. But he is realising that, hard work doesn't matter at all when it comes to emotions.

He tried everything, damn it, for Chihaya to notice him. To feel something for him, even during his love confession last year, she was lost in thoughts, obviously thinking of Arata.

 _Arata, Arata, Fuck you Arata._

He knew what he is to her, though, he is just Taichi who was her friend when Arata is not there. But in presence of Arata, he doesn't matter anymore.

When he left Mizusawa Karuta club last year and heard that Chihaya also suffered in her own way, he thought Chihaya sees him. But now it became clear to him. She didn't miss Taichi, she missed the president of the Karuta club.

Then his thoughts went back to the time when he bullied Arata in 6th grade and remembered Chihaya's words when he told her that he won't be her friend anymore if she is friends with Arata.

"I don't care"

Even now, after 6 years, the answer is still the same. He now knows that, it will always be the same whatever he did.

He couldn't bear the pain and helpless feeling anymore.

He ran to a bar and bought himself a bottle of sake, and for the first time in his life he drank alcohol.

 **3 Months Later**

University started, most of his friends including his, Chihaya and Arata's colleges were close by to each other(to his utter dismay).

He heard from Kana-chan that Chihaya and Arata are dating. She was concerned for him, but he dissipated or at least tried to all her concerns by making most cheerful fake face he can. He knew she didn't completely believe when he told her, it is alright and he is moving on. But since she herself is busy with her own life with college and Tsukomo-kun.

The truth is Taichi couldn't feel anything anymore, he was just going through the motions like a robot. Everything from going to college, occasionally meeting his friends, sometimes sadly Chihaya and Arata, all motions were mechanical. He spoke only when necessary, used the write words, evaded any questions regarding himself. He is disconnected from it all during the day. Even then he was okay.

But the real dread and pain came during the night when he was alone in his bed. He couldn't sleep, he is haunted by his memories of that day in Arata's house. He resorted to drinking, for the first few months it helped.

After a while, drinking also couldn't stop his pain and loneliness completely. He started going to night parties in college to be among people. That is when he had sex for the first time with a girl.

He did everything to be not alone, due to this his grades in his mid quarter exams were terrible, 2nd to last.


	2. Prison

**Disclaimer:- Chihayafuru and the characters are not owned by me.**

 **Thanks everyone for reading this story. The inspiration for this story came from a oneshot on tumblr( post/109976198952/fic-this-is-how-you-lose-her). Everyone who reads this story should read, it is best Chihayafuru, in fact the best fanfic I ever read.**

 **This story mainly follows Chihaya's and Taichi's trials of adulthood.**

 **8 months into University**

He is in a prison of his unrequited love for Chihaya, he knew has to get out but he didn't know how. He was shackled by own hopelessness, hoping for a miracle.

But Taichi already learnt that hard work and practice means nothing to make the other person love you.

He must be a masochist and a Coward, maybe that is why he doesn't deserve her. He still doesn't why he is still meeting with Chihaya, despite the fact he is suffocating and drowning around her. Looking at the happy faces of Chihaya and Arata, a small part of him was happy too, but a major part of him is bitter and angry.

He keeps a facade in front of them, though Chihaya doesn't see it, Arata sees through him.

He knows Arata pities him, that is much worse than being called a Coward.

Arata tried to speak to him privately, but he always evaded successfully. Maybe that is the thing he is better at than Arata. Running Away, being a coward.

That truth he realises later is he loses hope to hope. He couldn't even hope to let go of her, still hoping for some miracle to make Chihaya fall in love with him. That is the delusion of the loser, he knows that too. He had been thoroughly beaten by Arata to the point of no recovery, he could never match the passion of Karuta like Arata and Chihaya.

 **Chihaya's POV:-**

Chihaya is about to meet her former classmates from Mizusawa for breakfast. They all are in different colleges, they still a point to get together once a month. Not all them attend all the time, but it brings back memories and reminisce about their school days.

Usually Arata joins her for these meetings, but today he had to go back to Fukui for the weekend to meet his parents. She is sad that she won't able to see her boyfriend this week. She and Arata usually meet up every weekend and on some weekdays when they both go to play Karuta together at Shironami society. They go on dates over the weekend for lunch or dinner, every thing is perfect as it could be.

 _Boyfriend_ She still can't believe she has a boyfriend. Finally she can proudly say that she is not just a karuta freak, but also a normal girl with a boyfriend.

Arata kisses still make her feel giddy and warm, make her stomach flutter and cheeks redden whenever she touches him. _This is what love is_ Her heart flutters at that thought.

She confessed her love to Arata and Karuta when she met Arata at his new apartment when he moved to Tokyo to be with her.

And when she played with Arata that day, she forgot everything else. She was finally able to play with the same passion and love of Karuta as Arata. That was one of the best days of her life, she could still remember his kiss that day, everything was magical from her match with Arata and Taichi to her confession to Arata and kiss later on.

 _Karuta and Arata forever_ She hopes that things will remain the same as of now.

She is the last one to arrive. She bear-hugged Nishida-kun.

"Sashiburi -ne Nishida-Kun"

He tried pushing her back

"Oy, Chihaya, I am about drop my Natto, let me up"

She let him go, she felt really happy to see them all Komano-Kun, Kannade-chan and Nishida-Kun. Though she knew one more is missing, she didn't want to sour her mood dwelling on it.

They all exchanged pleasantries and she ordered Fried Pork, Miso Soup and White Rice.

They all chatted about their course loads, new friends they made and Karuta. She is really happy to know that her friends are really well in their studies and everything else too.

Her friends congratulated Chihaya on her studies too, though nothing to brag about, but she is bragging, she is now 20th from bottom.

"Have you guys heard from our president? I haven't seen him in 3 months." Kannade-chan sounded worried.

"Mashima? No, I saw him a few times around college" Nishida-Kun responded, as he and Taichi are visiting the same college.

"How is he?" Kannade-chan inquired.

"Talk about depressing, He is going through a depressing phase again like last year and he is not playing Karuta as well. I don't know what he is doing these days, we don't even talk much. He gives me the cold shoulder" Nishida-kun answered with a grim look.

"Taichi is not playing? He is not even practicing in Todai Karuta Society too? I thought he is playing a lot with Suo-san" Chihaya is worried, she knew something is off, she felt like she is losing something or already lost. She hadn't thought of Taichi much these days though with her being busy with Arata, Karuta and University. And she felt guilty too, she didn't know why.

"Suo-san finally graduated and retired from Karuta, You already knew that Ayase" Chihaya the airhead she is, totally forgot that detail. Chihaya felt an indescribable sadness.

Ever since her rejection, she knew things were not okay with her and Taichi. Ever since Arata's arrival, she thought all three of them being together would make things alright between her and Taichi. Hence her pestering Taichi to come to Shirinami society to play or come together with her and Arata to his home to play.

"From what rumours I heard, Taichi is regular in mid-night parties held in our college, you know where they drink and party till morning. There are lot of foreigners who go to those, not many japanese." Nishida-kun spoke in a low voice.

Chihaya was lot in her thoughts after hearing those words from Porky.

Chihaya didn't understand what those parties are about. _But Taichi is drinking without her._

She couldn't wrap her head around that, _why does Taichi go off alone and do things on his own_

It always irritated her about Taichi, he is always been an enigma to her. He always felt strange to her, she couldn't figure who he is. Sometimes he acts very selfishly but most of the time he is very selfless. He is sweet and kind. She couldn't know when he says something, whether he means it or not. She couldn't even figure out whether he is happy or sad by looking at his face. She always loved his kind and sweet side of him.

In a way that is why she felt that special connection with Arata though, he is very much like her. Ambitious, single minded. He speaks his mind like her, loves Karuta as much as her and he also he is the one who introduced her to Karuta. That only bit where he is different is, he is a bit shy compared to her.

But one thing she always knew is that, she could count on him if she needed something. He always had been there by her side to keep her grounded, helped her in need, took care of her whenever she got in trouble, bought a lot of chocolates. He is the person she could count on when she is lost. She always felt that she could go back to him wherever she strayed of to. He is a constant presence in her life.

But right now, her thoughts have been replaced with dread, she is having these feelings for a while. It is like something bad is about to happen and she won't be able to stop it.

Things have been going so well for her since graduation and also her being occupied with university and Arata, she is guilty to agree that she didn't know what's been happening with Taichi. Whenever she met him, he seemed okay to her. He smiled and laughed with them, but with the current revelation by Nikuman-kun, she is realising that things might not be completely okay.

 _Ah, why is Taichi, so difficult to deal with?_

"Chihaya-chan, Chihaya-chan" Oe-san startled her.

"Ha!" Chihaya banged her head with her fist and scratched her hair.

"We should all go talk to him to knock some sense into him. It is so unlike him." Komana added pushing back his glasses with a thoughtful look.

 _He stopped playing Karuta, He drank without her and Arata, he ran off doing things on his own again, This is not the Taichi she knew._ That was the only thought on Chihaya's mind again. She got furious, she pushed back her chair and punched her right with left fist with determination and left her friends. She could hear her friends calling after her, but she has to do it on her own this time.

She is going to drag Taichi back from wherever he went. A thought poured through her Karuta-addled brain _Why does he do these things? Does he like it?_

She shrugged and shook her head ignoring that thought. _That is the not Taichi, That is not Taichi_

She boarded the train and she couldn't shrug off the dreadful feeling in her gut.

When she opened the door to Taichi's apartment, surprisingly it was not locked, all her fears came true.

 **Taichi's POV:-**

 _Taichi is dreaming, he is back in middle school, he could see Arata and Chihaya near the washrooms. The way Chihaya was looking at Arata made him jealous. She never looked at him like that. That boy is a danger, Taichi knew._

 _But Taichi is afraid of Arata, he saw how he boldly challenged him that he won't let Taichi to even take a single card and the look of adoration in Chihaya's eyes. And he knew Arata could do that without breaking a sweat against him. Taichi is no match for him._

 _Taichi's hands were shaking, he is the who cornered himself into a box with no way out. He didn't know what to do, but the only thought in his mind was that he is going to lose Chihaya, he didn't care what his mom thought or about his classmates._

 _Then something shiny flashed on his eyes, he turned to the direction of light and he saw 'glasses' of Arata on the wall facing the sink._

 _This is his chance, this is the only way, he knew. He didn't care that it is not ethical or moral. He doesn't want to lose her, the one that mattered the most._

 _He bent down and slowly crept to the wall hiding behind the bushes. He is about to grab the glasses, but a familiar hand caught his hand._

 _He is caught, he jerked and stood up to face a shocked Chihaya who is still holding his hand and an unsuspecting Arata._

 _Chihaya let go of his and she balled her fists, Taichi with dread looked into her eyes for the first time and he knew it._

 _He closed his eyes in fear and a moment later he felt a sharp pain in his stomach._

Taichi jerked up from his bed as a sharp pain in his stomach engulfed him. He woke up from his dream with sunlight shining on his face from the opened door, he rubbed his eyes to see a shining feminine figure standing beside his bed which seemed to breath fire _Is it a goddess?_. His vision cleared and he could see Chihaya with a shocked and angry face with tears in her eyes.

His partner beside who was still sleeping naked under the shuffled under the covers like him.

"Shut the fucking door" his blonde-haired partner shouted in english, Jess is an american foreign student studying at the same college as him. They met 2 months ago at a rave.

He threw a pillow at Jess, she immediately grabbed it covering her face mumbling 'Thanks'

Taichi grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around his waist and dragged a stunned Chihaya to the kitchen closing the door behind him.

Taichi didn't know what to say to Chihaya, who is still wavering between anger and shock.

"Who .. are .. you Taichi?" "Why?"

Chihaya mumbled between forced breaths trying to control her tears.

 **Chihaya's POV:-**

When Chihaya entered Taichi's Apartment, she was immediately hit by a strong smell of alcohol reeking from the almost empty bottles of beer. She never ever imagined this kind of scenario, she usually avoided any conversation related to drinking, smoking and avoided going to places which smelled of alcohol.

She always dreamed her, Taichi and Arata will go buy a beer from convenience store and drink it celebratorily when they came of age.

But looking at Taichi's room covered with bottles spread everywhere, she couldn't wrap her mind around it. The Taichi she knew would never leave it like this, he is a clean freak!

After the initial shock wore off, she saw more than just bottles. Clothes, both man and woman's left like a trial leading to Taichi's bedroom.

She got a strange feeling inside of her which she hadn't experienced before, and that feeling intensified as she came closer to the bedroom. She opened the door and she saw under garments lying near her feet, she slowly raised her gaze to look at the bed to see her best friend sleeping peacefully with a girl beside him.

That strange feeling made her bawl in disgust at what is infront of her. She couldn't contain the intense sadness she felt looking at her friend.

 _This is So Wrong, This is not Taichi, No it can't be, I am dreaming_ She plucked at her hair to force herself to wake up from this horrible dream. Tears clouded her eyes.

But she didn't wake up, so she did the only thing natural to her, she punched Taichi in the gut.

 **Taichi's POV:-**

 _It is Ironic_

It is as if his dream and reality had collided. He always wondered what would have happened if Chihaya had caught him stealing the glasses 7 years ago.

 _Would she still be his friend? Will she still accept him?_

Taichi always tried to hide his darker feelings from Chihaya, his jealousy, his pain, his rage at Arata, his frustration at not having the Karuta talent as Arata or Chihaya, his lust for her. He tried to ignore them for Chihaya's sake. To gain recognition for Chihaya's feelings, to deserve her, he fought against himself. He loathed himself for having those thoughts and desires all these years.

Now for Chihaya to see that hidden side of him, it felt exhilarating. Which shocked him to say the least. He thought he will feel guilty or humiliated.

And now Chihaya is looking at him with utter disgust and rage. All the years he successfully spent trying to ignore his darker thoughts and desires and still lose Chihaya in the end. He couldn't help but laugh.

He laughed so loud like he never had. He held his stomach and mouth to contain his laughter. _Oh! the irony._

"It is still me Chihaya" Taichi recovered from laughter which brought a irritated frown on Chihaya.

"The same boy who stole Arata's glasses to win."

That statement brought shock to himself as well as her. He is finally admitting for who he is.

Till now, he hated himself for feeling so jealous at Arata and feeling the intense pain and frustration for losing Chihaya to Arata.

Now admitted this, suddenly seemed to lift a veil over his head, he could see everything clearly. The prison of his own making vanished. He felt lighter.

The feeling of intense self-loathing is gone, now the only thing is left is the heart-ache. Tears started flowing freely.

Chihaya gave him a confused look with tears and ran away. He didn't stop her this time as she fled from his gasp.


	3. Letting go and the meaning of love

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chihayafur or any of it's characters.**

 **Thanks everyone for reading this story.**

Taichi could finally see the way out, he knew it is difficult and dangerous path, but at least now he has a 'path'. A path to recovery.

This past one year his mind had been filled with jealousy, pain, rage, futility and despair. But strangely it was Chihaya who brought this despair also showed him hope. Ironically both times, she is not even aware it.

Chihaya saw him this time, even though with disgust and sadness, it was enough for him to know what it meant. In the past times, even though she cared and looked at him, it was the same kindness she would show any other person.

Now he knew the answer, if Chihaya had caught him with Arata's glasses. She wouldn't have stayed as his friend at all. And he believed it, he has to believe it.

He always suppressed his darker instincts, that is why he always loathed himself for having those instincts in the first place. It always felt like fighting like fighting himself.

He was never like them at all, not even like his friends from Mizusawa. He didn't have a dream or a passion for Karuta. And he never could feel like them.

It is futile to hope for feelings of love or passion towards Karuta, and when he forced himself to like Karuta, he started hating it and got depressed and started hating himself. This he figured out last year when he met Suo-San. Now he understood Chihaya feelings for him, they will never be like love or passion towards him. Now he knows what it will lead to, if he tries too much to be with her.

There is no chance, that she could reciprocate his feelings. There was never a chance, maybe if they hadn't met Arata. But if Arata wasn't there, Chihaya wouldn't the Chihaya he fell in love with.

He has to let go of his love. In order to move forward, he has to let go of his past and forgive himself.

For that to happen, he can't be her friend anymore. Actually now he thought of it, they didn't act like friends at all since his confession. Maybe he is still a fool to think they were still friends.

Oh, how big a fool he is. He really made a mess of things with Chihaya, his friends and even his family.

But first, he has to meet up with a dear friend(maybe mentor).

 **Nagasaki Prefecture:-**

He watched in amazement as Suo-san started chopping vegetables and meat, boiled water after taking the customer's order. There is a certain finesse to the way he chops. He never noticed it before, Suo-san never ceases to surprise him _just like Chihaya._

He winced a bit being reminded of Chihaya, but now it doesn't bring any jealousy or frustration anymore. Just pain, intense heart-ache.

"So you finally understood my first lecture." Suo-san muttered as he served his customer with Ramen and sat beside him.

"You really are a slow learner" Suo breathed with a sigh.

Taichi couldn't help but laugh at that comment as he recalled his lecture about 'Spring of youth'.

He has to find the 'spring of youth' within himself now.

"Yes" Taichi agreed.

"So what are you going to do now?" Suo-san inquired.

Last year also Taichi had this revelation to find within himself, but then he still tried to cling to his past.

Taichi took a long breath, _it hurts a lot_ "I am letting go of the past, I clinged to those sweet memories, now they leave a sour taste in my mouth. I have to leave Tokyo, I can't live there where all memories still exist fresh in my mind." Taichi hesitated " At least that is what I think is the right move"

Suo sat silently, Taichi was expecting a response. By then a new customer has come to the stall and Suo-san stood upto to take the order.

"So you are letting go of her, ha! So the Fukui upstart took your cake and eating it too." Suo-san started chopping the carrots.

"It was never a competition, he had it the whole time. I was just a placeholder." Taichi answered. He sat there pondering since the moment Arata entered his life. Did he hate Arata for doing this to him? He always knew, didn't he? Chihaya belonged to Arata. He hated himself, he didn't hate him, Arata is still a friend, he realised.

Suo-san served his customer and stood beside him. He spoke in a higher tone than before.

"Love is never enough for two people to be together. Everybody thinks that love is this great binding force, which solves all the problems, but in fact most of the problems are caused by love itself. It is never enough to fill the void in a person.

Everybody thinks that 'Romeo & Juliet' is tragic love story of two dead lovers. According to me, it is actually an allegory of two people who loved each other, but later separated because they stopped loving each other. Romeo and Juliet represent the love which they dreamed in their minds and hearts. But when they got together, it was surreal, but after a while, reality brought them back. All the external people in that story are the reality, they represented the hardships and flaws in their characters. So in the end, they couldn't accept the flaws of their partners, they couldn't come to a compromise, so their love faded as they come to know more about each other. And the reality finality killed their love"

"Most romantics think that Romeo and Juliet's is the purest kind of love. But in fact, it is the weakest form of love, which couldn't stand the reality."

"Ha!, I never thought of it liked that" Taichi exhaled as he tried to process the significance of the story.

"You want me to stop thinking that love is the only way to find happiness?" Taichi inquired.

Suo-san didn't answer. He switched to another topic "So where are you going"

"I am thinking of Kyoto" Taichi frowned, he is still not sure, how to convince his mother. She still didn't know the scores of his last exams.

"Shinobu-chan!" Suo-san suddenly exclaimed.

"Oy, are you trying to steal my bride-to be?" Suo-san glared with a fake pout.

Taichi laughed "I highly doubt she will fall for my charms if she hadn't fallen to yours."

"But anyway, I doubt I will even meet her, Kyoto is also still a big city"

Taichi took his leave and got on the train. Now on to next step, convincing his mother.

He thought of various strategies on how to break the news of his poor grades. He finally decided that the truth is the best way to go. He confessed to her about his love, leaving the details of who it is, and how. He told her what he has been doing for the past few months. And finally told her his grades.

He hung his head down and waited for her to blow up.

"It is that silly girl, isn't it? The Karuta-freak" Taichi raised his head to see that she is not angry but a very different look.

"I don't how you even fell in love with that girl, I don't think she even knows how to string up a proper sentence in a conversation? It is her isn't it?" His mom bellowed.

"Yes" Taichi restrained his natural emotions to defend Chihaya.

"I am very disappointed in you Taichi." His mom spoke in a sad voice.

Taichi was hurt, she was always angry at his mistakes. For the first time, getting a disappointed look from her hurt more than he thought. It made him emotional.

"I am very sorry for all my actions for the past few months. I know I have to move forward with my future, that is why I am requesting your help"

"Go on"

"I never asked you to use our money or influence for my sake, but only this once, I am requesting you to use our influence to get me into Kyoto University. I know I don't have the grades or merit to ask them to switch colleges in second year, that is why I need this. I can't be in Tokyo anymore" Taichi spoke with tears in his eyes, he felt shame, but this is the only way.

"Please, at least till I finish uni" Taichi looked straight into his mother's eyes.

She gave him a sad look "Al right, I will see, what I can do"

"Thanks Mom, I am really grateful for this. I will do my best from now on." Taichi replied.

Taichi was glad he went head on with his mother, instead of usual evasive way he treats his mother. She really surprised him.

As Taichi was retiring to his room "Taichi, I know it is hard and painful now. But you will move on from her. I know you will get through this." she spoke in a confident and understanding manner

Wow, he never expected his mother to understand what he is going through. _Hmm, maybe that is why she is not angry,_

But Taichi couldn't contain his heart-ache and the memory of Chihaya's smile.

"How do you know?" He retorted.

"Because you are my son." She replied.

Well he didn't have any reply to that. He hoped, he can move on, now his mother trusted him. It made him happy.


	4. Goodbye

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chihayafuru or any of it's characters.**

 **Note to all readers: I know this is a bit depressing to read, but I guarantee there is light at the end of the tunnel. This is Taichihaya fic, through and through. Everyone has to do their own bit of growing up.**

Taichi was able to improve his grades in the final exams, finally forcing himself to top 30. Two months had passed since his conversation with his Mom, and he is finally ready to move to Kyoto University with in a month after the summer break.

Within this 2 months, his friends from Mizusawa excluding Chihaya held a surprise intervention to get him out of his supposed depression. He tried to convince them that he is doing fine now, but they didn't believe him and tried their own crazy ways to give advice. Tentatively he suggested that he will attend their monthly rendez-vous to prove them he is doing alright.

He attended two of them, strangely Chihaya had been absent from both. Chihaya or him, neither tried to contact each other since then. He exchanged a couple of messages which are nothing serious just about their course work and how busy they are.

He thought of contact Chihaya a couple of times to explain himself when she suddenly barged into his room, but finally decided not to go through with it. He doesn't owe her anything to explain or justify himself for his actions.

It is not like he is guilty of sleeping with Jess or drinking alcohol(for alcohol maybe a bit). The only thing he is guilty of is, ignoring his responsibilities, getting bad grades. He only had to explain himself to his mother, which he did.

It is not like, he took advantage of women in this case, they both knew what they were going into before they did the deed. But still he sometimes felt like, he was cheating on Chihaya. Those thoughts, further reinforced his decision to not talk to her.

He sometimes thought of what Chihaya might be thinking of him after seeing him like that. _Most probably not even thought of him since then, the only ones she will think of is Arata or Karuta._ He might be the one who is over thinking a bit about what Chihaya thought of him.

He decided to finally break the news of his transfer to his friends first. He will have to wait a bit with Arata and Chihaya.

"What!" It was Kana-chan who exclaimed with a stupendous face followed by.

"Are you serious Mashima?" Nishada gulped his meat bun.

"Why?" It was Komano who inquired getting to the point.

"President! Did something happen between you and Chihaya-chan?" Kana-chan interrupted before he could respond to their questions.

Taichi winced at the mention of Chihaya, but kept a calm demeanor.

"I've noticed a change in Chihaya-chan's behaviour, whenever I mention your name, she digresses into another topic. But that doesn't explain why you are leaving?" Kana-chan trying to rationalise his decision.

"It has nothing to do with Chihaya" Taichi explained. But Kana-chan is still lost in her thoughts and ignoring his previous statement, she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Explain Buchou, I remember now, Chihaya left us in a rush 2 months ago to meet and drag you to back to us. Since then, she didn't mention your name a single time, which is very unusual of Chihaya-chan and also didn't come to our meetings when I told her that you will be attending."

Taichi got angry at her accusation "Well, when she saw me in compromising position with an american girl, and then left immediately" Taichi intentionally left out Chihaya's reaction.

"Buchou!" Kana-chan blushed and covered her face in shyness.

"Don't tell me, it is Jess!" Nishima shouted loudly, making a scene.

"It's her" Taichi whispered.

"Bastard! I wanted to ask her out myself, I saw you guys laughing together on the campus a month ago. Argh, Why do I always fall for the taken ones." Nishida muttered in frustration.

"We are not seeing each other anymore, just friends, she is really intelligent and very funny. You are free to ask her out if you wish." Taichi responded. Though initially Jess and him met each other in wild circumstances, they found out later that they have many things in common, coming from similar overbearing families, and similar tastes, they finally realised they are good as friends instead of fuck buddies.

Nishida gave him a bright smile "Nishida-kun, can you stop talking about that girl and your relationships. We are talking much more important things here." Kana-chan admonished him.

"Eh..?"

Taichi didn't want to drag this out any further and told them the fake reason for his transfer he practiced the last 2 days.

"My grades were not good and my mom is not happy. She thinks Kyoto will be a good change of pace and will have lesser distractions. I agreed with her too, I want to take medicine seriously and I need a break from all this." Taichi explained without taking a breath as he rehearsed.

They all gave an understanding look as it finally dawned on them. Taichi felt a little guilty for lying to his friends about the real reason.

"Well, we will be sad to let you go. But I too think it is a good idea, you have been distracted since your final year of school." Komano spoke in a low tone.

Nishida gave him a look of surprise and Kana-chan frowned at Komano.

Taichi spoke before they could say anything to Komano drawing their attention back to him.

"Well anyway, it is not like I am going to another country. It is just 3 hrs by train and 1 hr by flight."

They finally gave a collective sigh "I guess so" Kana-chan gave him a sad smile.

They talked for a while about his living conditions and university in Kyoto and they finally said their goodbyes.

He was walking into the train station when he heard Kana-chan's shout "Boucho!"

He turned back to see her breathing hard, as she seemed ran hard to catch up to him.

"Why are doing this President? Why do you want to go away from us? Is it because of Chihaya-chan and Arata-kun?" Ofcourse she didn't believe him.

Taichi looked her in the eye and sighed "I have to Kana-chan, I was like a ghost for the past 1 and half year. I want to live again. I have to know myself, understand myself and figure what I want in life. I don't think I can do that here, there are too many memories here for me to do that here."

"But, please don't lose hope, I am sure there is still a chance, Chihaya-chan doesn't see it yet." Kana-chan responded as tears welled in her eyes.

"Don't" Taichi's voice broke.

"I don't have any hope left. I am not one of those characters in your poems Kana-chan. And I don't want to keep living in the past as life, I can't keep hoping for a miracle anymore. You as well as I know that, I have terrible luck. I accepted it, it is never going to happen." Taichi's eyes welled up as well, as all the pain hit him with a full force.

"That is the only path to move forward for me."

"But.." Kana-chan broke in tears, as she tried to scramble for words.

Taichi looked at her tear-stained face and did the only thing he could think of to comfort her. He embraced her and soothingly patted her head

"It is alright!" telling it to her as well as himself.

He wiped the tears from his eyes and pulled her back with hands on her shoulders.

"Everything is going to be alright Kana-chan. Things don't remain the same, and not all things we wished for happen, but we have to keep on living don't we?" Taichi spoke with a smile on his face.

She wiped her face and nodded in understanding. They finally left saying their goodbyes.

He has still two more people to talk to and Chihaya is not one of those people. He didn't know what to say to her though. And truthfully, it hurts a lot to think of her these days. He is a chicken to not tell her, but she will know anyway through others. _Maybe that is for the best, the worse she thought of him, the lesser the chances of her trying to contact him._

His meeting with Arata was bit more serious, but it ended swiftly to his relief.

Taichi and Arata just chit chatted on superficial stuff without any mention of Chihaya. Finally when they were out of small talk, Taichi broke the news of his departure.

Arata gave him a blank look.

"I am really disappointed in you Taichi. You are running away like a coward, though I don't understand, why you are acting like this. It is not fair to me or Chihaya."

Each word felt like a hammer strike to his head. _Fair? You bastard, you hold all the aces and yet you scream it is unfair._

Taichi didn't say anything back and just looked away. Arata continued with temper flaring

"I thought I had to wrestle you for Chihaya's affections, but you did nothing despite being near her for the past 3 years. And now you are running away. And now Chihaya had been acting strangely whenever your name is mentioned for the past two months. What the hell happened between you two?" Arata yelled in anger.

 _3 Years you say? Those 3 years even being near me, all she thinks and dreams of, is you._

Darker thoughts are again pervading his mind, anger, jealousy, frustration.

Taichi sighed, exhaled and inhaled _Remember, you had no chance, never had a chance._

"Nothing of any significance, look" Taichi spoke calmy without any bitterness voice "You got what you wanted. So what the hell are you bitching about?"

This seemed to shut him up. Arata finally spoke with a frustrated voice

"But you love her don't you? Why the hell are you not fighting for her?"

Strangely, he is really liking this, usually calm Arata is not able to control himself.

Taichi sighed

 _What a strange world this is, Fair you say? Love is neither fair nor kind. It is cruel._

 _Fight you say, I fought tooth and nail dammit, it didn't even leave a dent in you armor. I finally accept defeat._

He grabbed Arata by his shoulders and looked him straight in his eyes. He then dropped his eyes and dropped his head as as sign of defeat and muttered his last words "Take care".

There is nothing more to be said. He left without turning back. He maybe a coward for running away, but he didn't care anymore.

Pride

That was the reason he realised he suffered for so long and couldn't accept defeat to Arata despite the obvious evidence since the start. He didn't like Karuta and didn't have any special talent like Chihaya or Passion and dedication like Arata. He could never defeat him. And Chihaya had always dreamed of Arata even when Taichi is near her. There was never chance of her looking at him or loving him.

But he still kept going all those years, his pride didn't let him to accept the harsh reality. He finally accepted it now.

And now for the last person he has to say goodbye - Sumire-chan

He met her at a park near the school. Looking at him, she gave him a genuine smile.

"Mashima-senpai, How are you? It's been a while, medicine school keeping you busy as expected, I presume."

Taichi marveled at the optimism and brightness of this girl who fell in love with him. It only made him realise how far he had fallen, how dark the thoughts had been for the past year and half. Taichi could never deserve a girl like her, she is too good for him.

"I am doing fine, Sumire-chan. So how are you doing? How was your graduation?" Taichi enquired.

"It was great, but I was sad to leave the Karuta club, but anyway Chihaya-chan is monitoring the club weekly. So I guess it is in good hands now."

Taichi winced at the mention of Karuta and Chihaya, he pressed his lips together and spoke with a fake smile "Well, all is good, I guess then. Anyway, I am not here to talk about Karuta club"

"What is it senpai?" She flushed

He wanted to know "Are you still .. in love with me?"

She shied her head away to the side and muttered sadly "Yess"

"Do you want to .. not be in love with me?" Taichi questioned her. He knew it is painful for her too. She is in a same position like him, imprisoned by her love. But she is handling it far better than him. She is really good person underneath despite all that fashion and beauty nonsense. Taichi couldn't say the same of him.

She was confounded by his question and replied "I… don't know anymore"

"Hmm" That was not the response he expected.

"What is it senpai? Why the sudden questions about my life?" She sounded guarded.

Taichi spoke honestly, she deserved that much of him.

"I want you to be happy Sumire-chan. I want you to let go of me, as I am letting go of Chihaya." She stayed silent.

"And I am also going away.. Running away more like it for selfish reasons. I transferring schools to start anew. So I want you let go of your love for me."

"Why?" She finally responded.

"I don't want to cause you anymore pain, I hurt enough people already. You are a good person, and far better one than me. I don't know how and why you fell in love with me. But I understand how you feel, the one you could never have."

" In the end, I guess we are both fools. Falling in love with a person who is already in love with someone else" Taichi philosophized.

Sumire-chan started crying. But he knew he had to do this to set her free.

"You need to move on, think about yourself again, figure out what you want to do in life. Live it, instead of clinging to memories and hoping for a miracle. I am sure you will find a person who will love you the way you love him."

"Senpai" She hugged him.

"You are so kind, senpai" Taichi held her and let her cryout her tears. He was barely holding himself.

"You are too kind, Sumire-chan. You deserve so much more than the likes of me."

"I am really sorry, I know, I don't have the right to tell you to move on. But I hope you do." Taichi leant and kissed her on the forehead.

"Goodbye"


	5. This is the end

**Thanks everyone for reading this story. I am trying to explore as much of Taichi's feelings as I can. This chapter feels like this is it for Taichi and Chihaya. But it is not, I promise, in the coming chapters we will see the beginning/rebirth of their relationship.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Chihayafuru or any of it's characters.**

College got busier from the 3rd year of college, that is when the real medicine courses and hospital visits started.

Sometimes, he wakes up from a dream about him becoming Meijin with Chihaya standing beside him as the queen and they are kissing in front of everyone or Just Chihaya who became Queen but running to him who is one of the audience to give him a kiss. Whenever he dreams of Chihaya, he'd lose sleep and start thinking of what could have been. He'd imagine him being the best in the world at something and her standing beside. And he questions himself for running away and not dedicating himself more to Karuta.

But reality strikes back, practice doesn't mean anything compared to people who have natural talent. He tried didn't he, he gave it his all to Karuta and Chihaya. But in the end, it didn't matter. He looks at paper clippings to remind himself at the real Queen and Meijin(Chihaya and Arata kissing together with trophies in their hands in front of a cheering crowd). In the end, it was nothing more than a dream which only exists as part of a dream.

As his belief and acceptance of the harsh reality grows firmer, he eventually stops having those dreams. It makes him relieved, but also sad.

Touring the hospital as a student to get the feel of hospital with all it's bright lights and bright rooms but there is something dark beneath it all, he finally understood why he wanted to become a doctor since childhood. Despite all the bright facade from the outside, there is a lot of pain, suffering, relief, dread, happiness all bottled up inside, people who lost someone they loved, who got the happy news that their beloved had survived, who received the good news, who received bad news, who suffered from chronic pain. The ones who receive good news usually leave the hospital as early as possible unlike the ones who receive bad news.

In a way, the hospital represented himself, the bright facade with deep darkness underneath. He felt drawn to the darkness, like he always had been. It also made him realise how small his problems are compared to everyone else inside it.

Nobody visits a hospital because they want to, they visit it only because need/had to. That realisation gave him immense relief and reinvigorated him.

5 years had passed by in a flash, Taichi had graduated in flying colors to his mother's immense satisfaction.

"I am so proud of you, Taichi!"

She had tears in her eyes when she hugged him. _This was a first, she never showed much emotion towards her children._ But this gesture moves him, in the end she is his mother after all. She always stood by him, tears well up in his eyes as well as he hugs her tightly.

He moves back to Tokyo and starts prepping for Kokushi(National Medical Licensing Board Examination). His preparation was intense with 16 hours of cramming every day. He thinks he did pretty well in the exam.

It was the day after the exam, he receives an invitation for a wedding. It was Kana-chan and Komano-kun's. He didn't keep in touch with his friends in Tokyo when he moved to Kyoto. He tried initially for a few months, but he being reticent, they eventually fell out of touch.

He reluctantly accepts as he imagined the wrathful visage of Kana-chan and disappointed look of Komana.

On the day of wedding, he arrived late to the Shrine, and ceremony already started with priest performing the ritual. He stood far back in the procession, due to his tallness, he could see the back of the heads of the people at the front rows standing behind the wedding couple.

He identified Chihaya in her Kimono he recognised from his school days, Nishida whispering in the ear to some woman he couldn't recognise, Sumire-chan, Midori-chan, Tsukuba-kun and the rest he didn't know.

After the ceremony, he congratulated the wedding couple immediately and apologised for his late arrival. Kana-chan though initially mad, relented and gave him a teary-eyed smile, when gave his gift to the couple.

"Thank you very much, though I am still not forgiving you for all the summers we could have met these past 5 years. But I am glad that you are finally here Buchou"

"Happy Married life to you both, once again." as he shook the hands of Komano.

"It has been so long Mashima, Thank you" Komano spoke and gave him a man-hug. Komano just finished his post-graduation in economics and is about to start as an analyst at stock-brocking firm.

After more pleasantries and a forced photo-shoot of him by Kana-chan's mom, he was finally let go.

Immediately he was flooded by a mob, all his friends from school. He was happy and sad at the same time, greeting all them. Some are angry, some are glad, some showed no emotion. He greeted them all with as much enthusiasm as he could muster.

He didn't get a chance speak with Chihaya or Nishida who were busy with the wedding couple, getting ready for the reception party.

Sumire-chan introduces her boyfriend, which makes him really happy. He congratulates the couple and also secretly threatens bodily harm to her boyfriend if he hurts her.

He was happy for his friends. But he hopes for a day, where he will be happy for Chihaya and Arata for them being together. Thinking of both of them together even now tightens his stomach, though he realises it is not as intense as before.

He reaches the reception hall, and is ganged up by Nishida and Komano.

"Mashima you bastard! We finally get to meet you in person. How many times did you decline my offer to meet up? Twenty?" Nishida admonishes him.

Taichi is taken back by his remark and feels guilty for being so selfish and looks down in shame lacking a reply.

Komano lays a hand on him for support "It's alright, we understand why you had to go. And also it is not like medical school is a walk in the park."

Taichi looks up to them in gratitude with both Komano smiling and Nishida giving him a cheeky grin.

He bows his head "Minna, Gomen"

"It's alright Mashima, let's drink together. Oh and I also have to introduce to my girlfriend" He drags him away to meet up with a auburn haired girl with a familiar looking face.

After an hour of chatting and laughing about their college experiences with Nishida and other Mizusawa members. He goes outside to the balcony to take a breath to deal with the flood of emotions he faced meeting and talking to all them.

He felt relief which surprised him. Towards the end of his departure five years ago, all he felt was pain, shame and dread. And he expected it to be the same, but now he is okay. Maybe not everything as he sees Chihaya standing beside him.

He turns right to look at her staring towards the sunset as he couldn't see properly in her Kimono, she is as beautiful as he remembered, no, she is more beautiful with her growing in the right areas giving her a shapelier structure. She is .. desirable, very desirable and sexy in that Jeans and T-shirt.

He closes his eyes to distract himself from those thoughts, and he could feel his stomach grip and his throat dried. He takes a deep breath to open his eyes to face bright red eyes looking straight at him. He clears his throat to greet her.

"Hi"

"Hi" Both say at the same time. He suddenly feels awkward and uncomfortable.

She gives him a timid smile.

"Sorry, I didn't get to greet you, I saw you busy with the preparations and didn't want to distract you." He says holding his breath.

"No, it's fine. We are talking now so.." Chihaya mutters in a soft tone. This is not the Chihaya he remembered.

"So, How are you?" Taichi didn't know what to speak to her and asks the most common question ever.

She still looks timid as she is holding something back and finally responds "Oh, I am fine. Everything is good I guess.. And you?"

"Same with me."

The uncomfortable feeling grows stronger and he turns his head to face the setting sun. He recollects their last meeting and remembers the look Chihaya gave him. And he also sees Chihaya and Arata holding hands during the Meijin and Queen finals during their final year.

She sees his reluctance and is about to turn back, the words come out his mouth automatically.

"How's Arata? I haven't seen him here."

She turns to face him again from the side "Arata, .. he is good. He had to be somewhere else instead, so.." Chihaya mutters hesitantly.

He couldn't stop himself from asking the next question, _What the hell is he doing?_

"You guys are still together right?" This time he couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice.

He holds his breath waiting for the response. His throat becomes hard.

"Yes" Her tone sounds strange, not the cheery one he expected.

"Yes, I love him." She says again in a confident tone.

She grabs his shoulder turning him to face her with tears in her eyes "But, I don't know what I feel about you. All I know is that, I need you Taichi. Life is not the same without you. You are my rock Taichi. You are my support. You are my .."

Chihaya hugged him, and started crying "Please Taichi.. I am very sorry hurting you, not noticing you and smashing your feelings. You don't know how much I missed you and how much it hurt. Let us go back to what we were"

Taichi can already imagine them as kids, the joy and happiness he felt when he was with her and Arata. But then love, jealousy, anger and frustration came back to. The darkness beneath all that light. He could see things repeating as it was before and things falling apart.

He knew, he can't go back to her. As long as he desired her, he can never go back. He is not sure if he still loved her, but he felt intense emotions whenever he thinks of ever.

And it is not fair to him to go back after all the 5 years he spent to find himself, to be not ashamed of himself, to love himself. Even if he goes back, Chihaya can't give him what he wants and he won't be enough for her. It is not fair to Chihaya as well.

It hurt him to hurt her, but he had to do it, even if it is selfish of him. He felt like a coward again.

"I can't give you what you want." He tried to be as honest as possible.

Her sobbing stopped and she let go his body to look into his eyes. He maintained a steely gaze.

"We can't go back" He repeated.

She started sobbing again, he thought she will get angry.

"So.. this is end of our friendship?" She muttered in between the sobs. He hated to see her like this.

But she is strong, she always had been so strong, that is one of the things that attracted him to her.

"Our friendship ended long ago Chihaya when I decided I wanted more. I guess this is the end of everything else."

His body stopped feeling stiff when he muttered those words. He always tried to hide his emotions and what he felt from her. But he knew now, he needed to tell her what he felt since his childhood. She deserved that much, but he couldn't face her while told her this, so he turned towards the almost setting sun.

"I always admired you since childhood. You were always so brave and tenacious in what you do. I always had been weak, but when I was with you, I thought I could be strong as you are. When Arata came into our lives, I felt like I was losing you to him. I was jealous of him, so I stole his glasses. But later I saw the way you played Karuta. The passion and love you had for the game. And I saw that in him too. So I was jealous of you too."

"I saw the bond you shared and special connection you had. I wanted to feel that connection too. So I joined you two, thinking that I could also feel that love and passion as you did. So I forced myself, hoping that someday it will happen."

"Along the way, I fell in love with you. And then in high school, you shared your passion and love for Karuta with others, they too fell in love. I loved those people too, the friendships I formed with them. Despite my non existent desire for Karuta, I believed that as you long as you are there with me, Karuta will be fun."

"I finally thought I fell in love with Karuta too. But it still felt suffocating, I didn't see it, even though I was getting stronger in Karuta, I was feeling more and more unhappy. And I thought if I could defeat you or Arata, you will finally love me like you love Arata. But I couldn't do either and I took the coward's away out by confessing to you hoping for a miracle. But I always knew that, you never liked me that way. But I had enough. It took someone else to point out to me that, I never liked Karuta, the only reason I played was because of you, Arata and the Mizusawa team."

"So I started playing for myself instead, and I had fun. But that's just it, I could never equal you or Arata. I never had the passion or love for Karuta or anything else. I never had the passion or love for something, even now."

"I don't have any dream like you or Arata. I don't think I ever will. I accepted it and doing the best I can. But you and Arata share that connection, the dream and the passion, I can see it even now. I am not like you and him at all."

The sun had set, he looked at her in the twilight. She stopped sobbing, but she nodded as if in understanding rubbing her eyes. She never looked so beautiful even while hurting.

He held both her cheeks in his palms and looked her straight in the tear stained eyes.

"I am sorry for hurting you, I am sorry for not loving Karuta, I am sorry for being jealous. I am sorry for being a coward."

Chihaya moved closer "Taichi, I don't care whether you loved Karuta or not. But you were always there for me. I am sorry too for not loving you the way wanted me to. I should have never let you go away. I am sorry for noticing you. I am sorry, I took you for granted. But I understand"

Taichi moved closed and planted a kiss on her forehead and let her go. He could feel something had ended. He was happy that Chihaya accepted it too. He wanted her to be happy. He finally got his closure.


	6. Filling the void

When Chihaya entered his world, she shook everything up until she was the only thing left. And she was big enough to fill his world such that, she was the center of his world, all the other things he cared about before became irrelevant and faded away. And the rest of the things that came into his world to fill him, Karuta, Arata, Harada-sensei, Mizusawa Karuta club and all the people he came to love and care about came through Chihaya.

Simply put Chihaya became his world, she was the Sun to his world. So when Chihaya rejected him, it was like the Sun had stopped appearing, and everything else faded and withered away as they all had depended on the sunlight. He tried to hold off the rest of the things from withering away, he became like the moon to provide light, but it was never enough. But it was not enough, and within a year and half after rejection, everything faded away. All that's left was the void and the feeling that nothing could ever fill the void.

As he accepted that Chihaya would never be his, and he started his lone journey to rebuild his world without Chihaya. Little by little, hope grew in within him, he started filling it again with all the things and people he cared about.

The friends he made in medical school, Suo-san, his family. And some friendships which were part of his old world had withered because of Chihaya had been reborn. He became friends again with Nishida, Komano, Sumire-chan not as Karuta players or former school mates, but as people who enjoyed spending talking to each other. He liked being a doctor too, it brings a certain satisfaction(also a boost to his battered ego), if he could relieve other's pain and suffering. To put a smile on his patients faces, of course that won't always be the case many times, especially as a Surgeon or would-be-surgeon. But he is trying his best and that is what matters.

 **Chihaya's POV - 28 years Old**

Being an adult is hard, it felt like her middle school years alone, but much more worse. It all started when she graduated from college. Things had gone so smoothly in college, with her maintaining her position as Queen, Arata as Meijin, less course load which led to lots of free time, play Karuta anytime with Arata, girlfriend to Arata. The only blip she could say is that Taichi moved away.

She was really angry at Taichi and his behaviour when she found him bed with some girl. She also felt another strange feeling, which she would realise what it was later in her life. She avoided him for a while and then found out that Taichi left to Kyoto. She was shocked to know that all her friends knew including Arata except her. She felt betrayed by him, the way Taichi acted as if they aren't even friends anymore.

She knew that things were shaky between them ever since his confession. When Taichi left the club, she realised how much she hurt him without even knowing. Even then, he helped her to make a decision when he brought up her hearing ability to her mother, which helped convince her mother of her plan to pursue both college exams and Karuta at the same time. He had always been there for her when she was in trouble or in need of help.

And she worked hard to achieve both those goals and she did get into a college without taking an extra year for prep. Finally things were going her way, Arata came back, she confessed her dream about him, they became a couple. Nothing else mattered from then on, her dreams have become reality to play against Arata with the same passion and love as him.

She wanted to recreate those joyful and fun childhood memories when all three of played Karuta together. She brought Taichi along with her to play with Arata, hoping that she and Taichi can back to being normal as they used to be. But it was not to be as she realised, Taichi had been growing more and more distant. At the same time, things couldn't have more perfect in college, she had been dominating in Karuta along with Arata winning tournament after tournament.

And Taichi left without even telling her, she was hurt and betrayed by him. Initially all she felt was anger and Arata also seemed to share that anger towards Taichi. They grew more together sharing the anger and the mutual feeling of betrayal by their friend. The friend who left them. She didn't need him anymore, she has Arata.

After 6 months, the anger faded, and emptiness started creeping in. She missed Taichi, more than she had thought. Did she do something which she didn't realise to hurt him? She didn't know. She asked Kana-chan who told her she didn't do anything. She tried to call, but realised the number is not working anymore. She asked for his contact details, that is when Sumire-chan intervened.

"Please, Chihaya-senpai, I beg you, please don't try to contact him. He is trying to be his own person, please don't." Sumire-chan pleaded with desperation in her voice.

"Taichi's my best-friend, I want to talk to him and see why he is not talking to me anymore." Chihaya suddenly felt the anger bubbling inside her. Why her friend is stopping her.

"I love Mashima-senpai, I want the best for him, I want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. If you are really his friend, then you should let him go."

Sumire-chan, what are you saying? I don't get it.

Chihaya cannot accept that

"Taichi is happy with us and Karuta. We should be there for him" Chihaya tried to convince Sumire-chan as well as herself. _Taichi will be happy with me and Arata. Is he?_

"I won't allow you, none of our friends are going to give you his information not Kana-senpai, Komano-senpai or Nishida-senpai." Sumire-chan became desperate with tears in her eyes.

"Please senpai, please, I hope you understand why I am saying no."

Sumire-chan is very protective of Taichi, but why? _I love him Chihaya-senpai. Is that why? But Taichi's my best friend or at least he was._

Chihaya realised the protectiveness of Sumire-chan and lengths she is going to forbid her from contacting Taichi.

Chihaya felt the strange feeling again the same she felt when she found Taichi in bed with a foreign girl. _What is this strange sensation, why am I feeling it again, now? I don't understand._

Tears welled up in her eyes. Noticing her crying face, Sumire-chan surprised her with a hug.

"We all miss him too, Chihaya-chan. I hope he will find happiness again. Lot of memories here and also getting far away from his mother might help him too." Chihaya's eyes enlarged

 _Taichi's mom, did she do it? Did she force Taichi to move? That is what they were saying. But why do I get the feeling that Taichi was one who wanted to move? Arata seemed to think that too._

"Yes, If isn't there, maybe" Chihaya laughed forcefully and went back to talk to others with a fake cheerful smile.

 _I will wait even if it takes years, I am sure we will meet again._

And it took more than 3 years before she saw him at the wedding. By then her relationship with Arata was crumbling. It all started when they graduated a year ago and decided to move in together. That is when both of them realised the special bond they always shared, which brought them together didn't extend beyond Karuta. During college years, their dates and time together were always filled with Karuta and talk of Karuta with a few kisses in between.

Her foray into adult life is not what she expected at all. Till then, she usually always got what she wanted or dreamed most of the time. She didn't get a job in Mizusawa as she expected(Downturn in japanese economy after the 2011 earthquake), her sensei told that she will have to have experience as a teacher for a few years before she could try again. She gave a lot of interviews, finally she got a job as an assistant teacher in a small school which is too far away from her home and almost outside of Tokyo.

Luckily Arata's graduate college was not so far and they decided to live together. Both their parents approved too, as it would be economical as well as her parents approved of Arata. But it all ended in disaster for both of them, especially for Chihaya.

The school was really small and despite her insistence and force, not a single student was interested in Karuta. And also she couldn't go to Mizusawa as it is two hours to commute there, so she could only visit on competition days to give her support for the team. And Arata also took a break from Karuta and forfeited his Meijin title to concentrate on his post-graduation studies.

Living together is a different thing altogether, only then did she see him in a different light and vice versa. Problems arose, Chihaya felt the apartment was too small for two, Arata didn't like drooling all over the pillows or her snoring. Those are just the minor problems, the bigger problem is the lack of sparks in intimacy. She always thought that with Arata everything is too easy. But now not so much, and the intimacy they were supposed to have paled in comparison when she saw Komano-kun and Kana-chan together. Those two fit so well together, the way Kana-chan is so persistent and Komano-kun resisting her but finally relenting to her. They balanced each other so well.

She finally saw it, how wrong she is for Arata and him to her. They are too similar in character, wanting the same things mostly Karuta. Even if they don't like something about each other, they just let it be. Both of them let go without a fight. They had nothing to talk about other than Karuta. No friction led to no sparks. But she knew she loved Arata, but maybe not the living together or get married way. Arata saw it too, they grew apart despite living together. They both wanted each other, but only through Karuta. While Karuta was so passionate with Arata, living together was not as she had dreamed of.

Her relationship with Arata was crumbling, along with frustration from work, when she saw Taichi at the wedding she felt like she saw a lifeline. Maybe she could get her friend back, and everything would be back to normal. _What a fool she was._

Seeing him after a long time brought back old memories, when things were so simple. She never thought how much she missed him, only when he disappeared did she realise how important he was to her. Maybe a part of her liked him as he liked her too, but she was too focused on Karuta then to realise or understand him. She is hoping that she will have another chance with Taichi, and her hopes and desires were granted when she met him again. She knew she will get him back whatever it takes.


End file.
